Aviation Quotes

If it flies, floats or fornicates, it's probably cheaper to rent.

Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always looking at their watch.

Re: the Reno, NV air races:
You can grab hold of an airplane here, and literally take your life in both hands. One for the throttle and one for the stick, and you can control your own destiny free of most rules and regulations. Well, it may not be better than your wedding night, but it's probably better than the second one."

In response to how he checked the weather: "I just whip out my blue card with a hole in it and read what it says: 'When colour of card matches color of sky, FLY!'"

A midair collision seriously erodes climb performance.

The four things that never did a pilot any good: the altitude that's above you, the runway that's behind you, the gas that's still in the truck, and a field-grade navigator in the right seat.

"A human being is the best computer available to place in a spacecraft.
.... It is also the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor."
-- Werner Von Braun

On a large jet following a maintenance test flight, the pilot-in-command wrote in the aircraft log, "Aircraft satisfactory, except autoland very rough." The mechanics sign-off was, "Autoland not installed on this aircraft."

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Being an airline pilot would be great if you didn't have to go on all those trips.

Passengers prefer old captains and young stewardesses.

If an earthquake suddenly opened a fissure in a runway that caused an accident, the NTSB would find a way to blame in on pilot error.

A good simulator check ride is like successful surgery on a cadaver.

Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about dogs.

A thunderstorm is nature's way of saying, "Up yours."

My *first* wife didn't like to fly, either.

One good hole in the overcast is worth ten published approaches.

Eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet air intakes.

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs.

Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses.

In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while either flying or waiting to board a plane.

In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.

Son, never ask a man if he is a fighter pilot.
If he is, he'll let you know.
If he isn't, don't embarrass him.
-- The Great Santini "Get ready for a fighter pilot".

A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he's flying, and about flying when he's with a woman.

Airport Test: Go through your address book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people, they are just acquaintances.

Flying is like sex - I've never had all I wanted but occasionally I've had all I could stand.
-- Stephen Coonts in Cannibal Queen

No aircraft ever took and held ground.
-- US Marine

The only time a fighter has too much gas is when it's on fire.
-- CDR Tom Sobieck, VF-51, 1989

A MiG at your six is better than no MiG at all.
-- Anon. US fighter pilot.

What's the difference between God and Pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.

The duty of the fighter pilot is to patrol his area of the sky, and shoot down any enemy fighters in that area. Anything else is rubbish!"
-- Manfred von Richtofen, as to why he would not let members of his Staffel strafe troops in the trenches.

You're not a real pilot till you take the bus home.

"Bother," said Pooh when his engine quit on take-off.

Parachutists are good to the last drop (found on a bumper sticker from a parachute school!