Female Types

Ms. Nice Gal: "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have."

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat.

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly.

Disadvantages: Will wise up one week after marriage.



Old Yeller: "You God damn spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable?!?"

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell.

Advantages: Pays close attention to you.

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans with precision.



Sickly Gal: "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite."

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable.

Disadvantages: Contagious



Bossy: "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom.

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?



Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied: "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?"

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey.

Advantages: Easily soothed.

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed.



Wild Woman: "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love onna' front lawn. I done it before. It's like fun."

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime Charleena, passed out.

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Disadvantages: Unreliable; strangers call at all hours, drives off cliffs.



Huffy Bitch: "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at."

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly.

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends



Woman from Mars: "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship."

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic.

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable.

Disadvantages: Reads poetry aloud.



Ms. Dreamgirl: "I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels right now."

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous.

Advantages: Funny, intelligent, uninhibited, nice tits.

Disadvantages: Obviously, she will have nothing to do with you.