One Liners

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien

"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be, but I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown

"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: This looks much better on. "On what? On fire?"

"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher

"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay Mohr

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
--Lily Tomlin

"What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me?"
--Marilyn Pittman

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez

"When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?"
--Robin Williams

"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld