Ain't it the Truth...

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, You'll never find anyone like me again. I'm thinking, I should hope not? If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?
* Larry Miller

A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution?? I sent them to her dad.
* Christopher Case

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
* Bob Ettinger

My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.
* Paula Poundstone

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh.
* Conan O'Brien

It had to be a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
* Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
* Sue Murphy

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
* Jerry Seinfeld

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
* David Letterman

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
* Johnny Carson

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.
* Richard Jeni

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
* Lily Tomlin