Apartment Ad Deciphering

In California (especially Silicon Valley), we don't gripe about the weather--we gripe about the high cost of housing. For those of you just starting out (or for those of you who have already been there), allow me to offer you:

The Complete Guide to Apartment Ad Deciphering
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What They Say - What It Means
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spacious
hole in the wall
to anyone living in their car
that's why we're charging $200 above the going rate


easy access to transportation
Particularly in Mountain View and Sunnyvale, this can mean:
(a) in the flight path of Moffet Field
(b) next to the railroad tracks
(c) next to a major road/freeway/highway
(d) a&b, b&c, c&a above
(e) all of the above


friendly staff
Doberman pincher mentality


free utilities
That's the only way we can entice people in this dump.
Would you pay this high rent AND the water and garbage?


heated pool
only when the sun's out
only when there's water in it


workout room
four walls, some free weights, a machine or two and a clunky stationary bike


great views
reach out and touch your neighbor!
overlooking the garbage dumpster
overlooking the pool
overlooking the cute guys/gals apartment


affordable
to:
(a) anyone with an income of $100 K
(b) anyone with wealthy parents
(c) anyone who is wealthy
(d) anyone who wants to spend $$$ on housing


"Please fill out our marketing survey."
"What?! You didn't fill out the annual income? We can't show you anything until you fill that out. You won't? I'm sorry, but we can't show you anything."


pets welcome
kids aren't
we just never got the odor out


AEK
All Electricity Kancelled
EEk!


W/D
Will be Disgusted

Worried/Depressed people


AC
Atrocious Carpeting


WWC
Wall to Wall Crap


great rent bargains!
located in East Palo Alto (Complex insurance does not cover bullet holes in car, self-protection devices,frequent theft and/or life insurance)


light and airy
built as cheap as we could
cold and drafty


secure parking
the manager's apartment overlooks the parking lot
"No one's been robbed on the street."
covered parking


move in bonus!
no one else wants it
it hasn't been rented in six months
includes last tenant's stuffed parrot


!!!
desperation is directly linked to the number of "!"s used


rustic
classic 60's decor
nothing has been fixed since the Loma Prieta earthquake
outhouse is in the back
only one heating vent