HMO FAQ

A Good Laugh: HMO FAQ
Date: 08 May 1998 14:09:34 GMT
From: harambeeco@aol.com (HarambeeCo) Organization:

Most involved with HMOs should love this. I felt better.

HMO Member FAQ

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Q - I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A - Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.

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Q - What does HMO stand for?

A - This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" It's roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

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Q - Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A - No. Only those you need.

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Q - What are pre-existing conditions?

A - This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately we appear to be pre-stuck
with it.

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Q - Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A - Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

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Q - What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A - You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

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Q - My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand.I tried the generic medication but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A - Poke yourself in the eyes.

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Q - What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A - Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

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Q - No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A - You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait till you return and then get sick.

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Q - I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he/she can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A - Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him/her a shot at it, eh?

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Q - My insurer reimburses the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A - Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him/her to invest the money for you in one of those great offers doctors and dentists hear about,like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

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Q - What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A - Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

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Q - Will health care be any different in the next century?

A - No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

--- E. Crystal Cornell