Martha Stewart's Drunk Ideas

-Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

-Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.

-Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

-Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

-Old contact lenses make ideal "portholes" for small model boats.

-No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

-Expensive hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

-Apply red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected.

-Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

-If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto!; The blockage is almost instantly removed.

-Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

-Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

-Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.