Overexposed

When the president suffers from (media) overexposure

The scene: a darkened room somewhere in the White House. The players: your favourite intrepid reporter, microphone in hand, and a nervous-looking lawyer.

CC: Greetings ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another edition of Soft Copy, your local investigative reporting show. Today -- eat your heart out, Wolf Blitzer -- I bring you an exclusive interview with one of the 2,304 lawyers currently investigating the Clinton administration. To protect his identity, we'll call him Sam.

SAM: [checking pager] Can we get a move on? The team's found four more interns that I need to interview.

CC: Sam, can you tell me why we're spending so much money to find out if the president had an affair? Who cares?

SAM: Well, Hillary does, I'm sure.

CC: Yes, but wouldn't it be cheaper to advise her to use the Loreena Bobbit director's cut of the movie Free Willy?

SAM: But it's not about sex.

CC: It's not? Damn, there go my ratings.

SAM: It's about power. Abuse of power, to be exact.

CC: I dunno. Sounds to me like these affairs have been pretty consensual.

SAM: Consensual? Let's play a game. I'll be the president, you be the intern. I say: Hi cutie, I want to have sex with you.

CC: But you're twice my age and a married man!

SAM: Don't let that influence your decision. Or the fact that I'm your boss, the President, the Commander-In-Chief and that I have access to the FBI and CIA, and I know what you did in the summer of ë93.

CC: Ahahaha. Your place or mine?

SAM: Bingo.

CC: Okay, okay, so he exercised poor judgement in that case. But surely we can forgive him that?

SAM: That, plus allegations surrounding Whitewater, Chinese contributions to the Democratic party, drugs, using police to obtain women, never mind Gennifer Flowers and Paula Jones. This administration has given whole new meaning to the terms Lincoln Bedroom, Oval Office and Chief of Staff.

CC: [desperately] Yes, but, but the economy is doing so well!

SAM: Two words - Allan Greenspan. Besides, if this is all so forgivable and okay, why do I hear that sound whenever news about Clinton comes on TV?

CC: What sound?

SAM: The sound of hundreds of parent's hands clapping over their kids eyes and ears. Heck, the media can't even report this story without fidgeting.

CC: [huffy] I am a jaded, cynical reporter. I can handle anything.

SAM: Oh yeah? What's on Monica Lewinsky's dress?

CC: A stain. DNA. A substance.

SAM: See? You can't even say the word! Even legal terms like subpoena and pro bonoare beginning to sound indelicate. And anyway, most of the media is biased.

CC: Aha! You mean it's a left-wing Democratic coverup! I knew it!

SAM: No, no, no. Not politically biased, generationally biased.
Clinton's one of us, dude! Free love, pot-smoking, draft-dodging and saxophone playing. Forever young, man! He might have to jog to get rid of his middle-aged spread, but hey, isn't kinda cool he's also into that other kind of jogging? He's one of the Two Plus Two generation!

CC: Come again?

SAM: The generation that always hopes that just this once, two plus two will not equal four! We played 'truth or dare' as kids, not 'truth and consequences.' Just look at our movies.

CC: This isn't another Free Willy crack is it?

SAM: No, and I'll even spare you the one about sex and aides. But think back to the definitive movie of the 1940's: Casablanca. A man gives up the love of his life to protect her marriage, the Resistance and to carry on the fight for freedom. The definitive 90's movie? Indecent Proposal. A man pays $1 million to sleep with another man's wife, and surprise! It busts up the relationship, causes bitterness, betrayal of trust, cynicism and pain.

CC: Ouch. That's pretty harsh, isn't it?

SAM: Yep. Kinda like finding out Peter Pan knocked up Wendy. We don't want to hear it.

CC: I notice we're back to sex again.

SAM: Hey, you complained about the ratings. Anyway, what did they say at that convention years ago? 'You can't be one kind of man, and another kind of president.'

CC: You sound like a closet Republican.

SAM: Actually, Republicans really don't like to be associated with closets. Look, I should go.

CC: Ah yes, the interns. Will you inform the President of your latest investigations?

SAM: Probably not.

CC: Why?

SAM: He's been debriefed enough already, don't you think?

CC: [Groan.] And I thought it was boxers.