Rejected Hallmark Cards

As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.


Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.


Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?


Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.


Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )


Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!


Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.


Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.


How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.


I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.


I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.


Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What on earth was I thinking?"


My tire was thumping...
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat... Sorry!


So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day...
Look at the bright side,
she's a really good lay.


We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop?


When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.


You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.


You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
the case of Bud Dry?


You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!


Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive.
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?


Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we're having you put to sleep.