To My Dear...

To my dear wife:

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

We will wake the children.......17 times
It's too late...................15 times
I'm too tired....................5 times
It's too early..................52 times
It's too hot....................15 times
Pretending to be asleep.........49 times
The neighbors will hear..........9 times
Backache.........................2 times
Headache........................26 times
Sunburnt........................10 times
Your mother will hear us........36 times
Not in the mood.................21 times
You will wake the baby..........17 times
Watching the late show...........7 times
Too sore.........................9 times
New hairdo.......................6 times
Wrong time of the month.........14 times
You had to go to the toilet.....19 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you cause I felt you move.

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To my dear husband:

I think you have got things a little confused. Here are the reasons you did not get it more often than you did:

Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat....7 times
Did not come home at all....................29 times
Did not come................................14 times
Came too soon...............................26 times
Went soft before you got it in..............18 times
Toes in a cramp..............................9 times
Working too late............................51 times
You had a rash- probably from a toilet seat.21 times
Somebody kicked you in the balls (fight)......4 times
Caught it in your zipper.....................8 times
Got a cold and your nose kept running.......14 times
Brewers drop and alco-limp..................95 times
Your tea was hot-You burnt your tongue.......8 times
You had a splinter in your finger............4 times
Lost the notion after thinking about it all day..13 times
Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book...8 times

Of the times that we did get together, the reason I lay still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I had said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling." The time you felt me move was because you had farted and I was trying to breathe. ? End ?