You Might Be A Redneck If... 2

More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.

Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.

You've ever used lard in bed.

Your home has more miles on it than your car.

You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'oeuvre.

There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

Fewer than half of your cars run.

Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboror from her lips before telling the State Trooper/RCMPr to kiss her ass.

The primary color of your car is `bondo,' or any part of it is largely held on with duct tape.

You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.

You stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.

Your family tree doesn't fork.

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event. (Ed.: Or anywhere else.)

You've ever barbecued Spamr on the grill.

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

You have refused to watch the Academy Awardsr since Smokey and the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.

Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.

You consider Outdoor Life deep reading.

You prominently display a gift you bought at Gracelandr.

You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.

The diploma hanging in your den contains the words `Trucking Institute'. (Ed.:

Also counts if your diploma has been endorsed by Sally Struthers. Also counts if you are Sally Struthers.)

Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

You own and wear a tube top.

You wear white socks with a suit, or even with just `slacks.'

Your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

You think that Dom Perignonr is a mafia leader.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is `What the hell are you looking at, shithead?'

You think that beef jerky and Moon Piesr are two of the major food groups.

You think that Campho-Pheniquer is a miracle drug.

The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are Howdy!, HEY! or How y'all doin?'

You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.

Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.

You think a Volvor is part of a woman's anatomy.

You think that the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

You've been too drunk to fish.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

You've ever used a Weedeaterr/Weedwhackerr indoors.

You've used something that runs on gas/petrol as a masturbation device.

You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet Ms or Mr Right.

You have to go outside to get something out of the `fridge.

Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.

Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFCr and a sixpack.

You go to a Tupperwarer party for a haircut, or any other reason.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a daycare.

The directions to your house include `turn off the paved road.'

Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.

Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Danielsr makes your list of `most admired people'.

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You have a Heftyr bag on the passenger side window of your car.

You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work. (Ed.: I knew a family who bought a second VCR and used it to tape soaps while watching sitcoms, and vice versa. This would also count.) Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive. (Ed.: But not in a Pulp Fictionr sort of way.)

Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to `Georgia on My Mind.'

You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.

You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance. (Ed.: Or any job.)

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

After having sex you ask your date to roll down the window.

The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H/State/Etc. Fair.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard, flowers planted in tacky plastic containers, or a bathroom appliance anywhere other than the bathroom.

Someone in your family says `Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it.'

You or your spouse weigh more then your refrigerator.

You mow your lawn and find a car or appliance.

If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.

You go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift. (Ed.: Also counts if the remaining gifts are shoplifted.)

You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. (Ed.: Or something like Kraftr Macaroni & Cheese Dinnerr and Hamburger Helperr casserole/hotdish.)

You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. (Ed.: Or if you didn't see anything peculiar about the main characters in the movie My Brother's Keeper.)

You participate in the `who can spit tobacco the farthest' contest.

You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You've ever made change in the offering plate.

If the fifth grade is referred to as `your senior year.'

You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

Your biggest ambition in live is to `git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs `round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn...'

Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.

You have cars that are immobile, but a house that is.

Your gene pool doesn't have a `deep end.'

`Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking brake set?' is what you hear right before you and your significant other have sex.

Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)

You have a Heftyr bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.

Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed. (Ed.: Or if you still own a waterbed.)

You have an Elvis Jell-or mold. (Ed.: Or if you still own a Jell-or mold.)

You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.

You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, Richard Nixon, or Elvis over your fireplace.

You bought an 8-track player less than twelve years ago.

You are reading this through an America On-Line(SM) account.

The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places.'

It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deerer Green, Fordr Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

You idea of talking during sex is `Ain't no cars coming, baby!'

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, or any neon.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house.

The ASPCA/RSPCA raids your kitchen.

Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle.

You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.

You fish in your above-ground pool (especially if you catch something.)

When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!(SM)" reminds you to pull up your jeans.

After a `successful' night, you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing I Will Always Love You. (Ed: Or the Whitney Houston version. Or any country music.)

Your Mum would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).

You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose.

You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queenr.

Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mar