I'm Not Coming In Today Excuses

GUARANTEED CALL-IN SICK (or I'M NOT COMING IN TODAY), EXCUSES . . .

If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all MY guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john but I feel good about it.

I'm feeling a little disgruntled this morning. Are you sure I should come in?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile Leprosy but I know we have that deadline to meet . . .

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss who fired me for not showing up for work. Ok?

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and hey, how about them Skins, huh?

So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with AT&T but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come in to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitch-hike to the vet.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wet lands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

My wife makes more money than I do, so I have to stay at home with our sick son.

I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

I can't come in because the deadline is Monday and so far I only have seven different fun things to do with a barrel of snot.

My stigmata's acting up.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!