Justice Department sues Women

(WASHINGTON, JRI) -- The U.S. Justice Department, 50 states and Washington, D.C., formally filed antitrust lawsuits against the female gender today for the bundling of affection with sexual gratification.

"Women have a monopoly on that thang," announced Janet Reno, ironically the sole exception to that rule. "For years now, they have extorted affection and in some cases marriage from men who simply seek access to said thang." The lawsuit seeks to establish a true marketplace for sexual satisfaction, free from the distortion of anticompetitive practices. Women's organizations were quick to dismiss the suit as "frivolous."

"However," noted NOW President Jill Ireland, "in order not to further distort the legal process, we will refrain from all but true procreative sexual activity for the duration of the lawsuit so that no juror bias is possible." A settlement is expected soon.