Miscellaneous

A few words from the visionary Steven Wright:



Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Support bacteria-they're the only culture some people have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

I intend to live forever-so far, so good.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.