Short Dictionary of Construction Terminology

Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.

*Contractor -* A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.

*Bid Opening -* A poker game in which the losing hand wins.

*Bid -* A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.

*Low Bidder -* A contractor who is wondering what he left out.

*Engineer's Estimate -* The cost of construction in heaven.

*Project Manager -* The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.

*Critical Path Method -* A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.

*OSHA -* A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, *red tape, split hairs and baloney-usually applied at random with a shotgun.

*Strike -* An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.

*Delayed Payment -* A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

*Completion Date -* The point at which liquidated damages begin.

*Liquidated Damages -* A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.

*Auditor -* Person who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.

*Lawyer -* Person who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.