Thrill of Skiing

* SKI SUBSTITUTES *

One needn't actually ski to experience the gestalt of skiing. Just simulate the psychic and physical sensations. Here are some ways to duplicate those ski thrills and really peg the fun meter in to the red zone.

Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're tailing an 18-wheeler. Stop at any gas station that serves food. When the waitress asks what you'd like, order an upset stomach, because that's probably what you'll get anyway.

Visit your local butcher and pay $22 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterward, burn two $50 bills to warm up. It's not real skiing but it's close.

Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray sandblast your face. You'll almost believe you're skiing in front of a snowmaking gun.

Sit under a sun lamp wearing goggles to get that chic raccoon look.

Wear apre's ski boots everywhere-even in the shower. For the best effect, get the boots that look like two dead Afghan hounds strapped to your calves.

At the nearest hockey rink, walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, loaded accessory bag, and poles. Make believe you're looking for your car.

Speaking of lines, stand in any movie line on the coldest day of the year. Inch ahead with the crowd but don't go in. Do this 12 to 18 times.

Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

To simulate glade skiing, take a jog through the woods - with your eyes closed.

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