Tips From Officer Friendly

Police officers see and hear some pretty strange stuff in the field. The following are things that I have encountered, or one of my buddies has encountered at work.

1 If you plan to commit a crime and run from the police on foot DO pick a more subtle color to wear than bright yellow pants.

2 Don't invite a uniformed police officer into your home to chat about a crime you witnessed if you have a pile of dope on the table in plain view

3 When you go on a burglary spree Do ensure you have enough gas in your truck to drive away from your crime scene. "But I know the people who live here" is not a valid justification for burglarizing a neighbors house when they are out of town.

4 When an officer is demonstrating a field sobriety test Don't say " well hell, I can't do that sober!" on camera and then plea not guilty.

5 If you are going to steal a car Do pick one that will blend in traffic better than a pearl white six door limo. Don't answer a question with the phrase "who me?" when you and the officer are the only people in a ten mile radius.

6 Don't repeat the question that the officer just asked. That is a stall technique and it gives away the fact you are about to lie through your teeth.

7 Don't say "I ain't got no dope. Why you wanna search my car?" Before the officer even introduces himself/herself on the traffic stop.

8 Do pick an alias you can spell before you lie to the police about your name.

9 Do ensure the birthday you give matches the age you give when lying about you birthday.

10 When you attempt to drop your crack cocaine on the ground when approached by an officer Don't bounce said crack off the toe of the officer's boot.

11 Do come up with something better to say than " These aren't my pants." when the officer finds dope or any other contraband in your pocket.

12 Don't ask an off duty plain clothes officer in his privately owned vehicle for a ride away from your crime scene. (Thanks Ray)

13 If you leave your pants, car, and ID at a crime scene, The cops Will probably be able to figure out who dunnit. (Thanks LF Antonelli)

14 If you plan to do a drive-by shooting on a moped, in the line of sight of an officer in a marked unit, Do plan to spend a couple of nights in jail.

15 If you're going to stop by a restaurant and grab a bite and you see a uniformed police officer standing by the counter, Do take the joint from behind your ear and leave it in the car before you walk in.

16 If you are caught on video selling dope and viewing the video with your attorney in the investigations office don't say. "Man you got me good. Look you can see the dope in my hand."

17 A good defense when caught selling dope on video tape is not. "That's not me, that's someone using my face."

18 Don't pick a fight with a stranger under a large bright sign that reads P - O - L - I - C - E.

19 If you are a prostitute, Don't solicit a police chief for "services" when he is in a car with a blue light on the dash.

20 If you are going to jump into a stranger's fenced back yard make sure a police K-9 vehicle is not parked in the drive.

21 Don't use your parole ID as a form of identification when you are trying to buy a pistol.

22 If you are involved in a hit and run accident you might want to make sure you take your front license plate with you when you leave the scene.

24 If you break into a house where the occupants are home make sure the homeowner is not an ex-Marine drill instructor who can kick your ass and hold you for the police.

25 The front of your pants is NOT a good place to accidentally discharge your firearm when fleeing from a robbery.

26 If you plan to use another's name when speaking to the cops make sure they don't have outstanding warrants for their arrest.

27 If you are stopped for driving drunk it is not a good time to switch drivers when the officer is 20 feet behind you, watching. Especially when the passenger is more intoxicated than you are.

28 If you are going to hide under a bed in an attempt to avoid detection from an officer searching your house, make sure your feet aren't sticking out at the end!

29 If you are going to run from police at night, refrain from wearing those shoes that have red flashing lights in them which lite up when they strike the ground.

30 If you rob someone who has no cash on them DON'T have them write you a check using your real name.

31 If you do a burglary of your neighbor's house, don't do it immediately after a 3 foot snowfall, walking directly through the new snow to your house, leaving clear, deep prints.