How to Sing the Blues

1) Most Blues songs begin with “Woke up this morning...” A bad blues song opening would be “This morning I had a latte at Starbuck’s with Bruce, and then we went to spinning class...”


2) “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line like, “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”


3) The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes . . . sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town...got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh five hundred pound.”


4) The Blues ain’t about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch--ain't no way out.


5) Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, Audis, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.


6) Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis (just to watch him die).


7) Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or San Francisco is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Memphis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain; you can’t have the Blues in any city that looks like one of the ‘streets’ in a Disney theme park.


8) A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cause you skiing ain’t the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.


9) You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


10) Good places for the Blues: a) Highway; b) Jailhouse; c) Empty bed; d) Bottom of a whiskey glass. Bad places for the Blues: a) the Neiman Marcus gift registry desk; b) Gallery openings; c) Ivy League institutions; d) Golf courses; e) Brunch with Timmy, Fifi and the kids.


11) No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old impoverished person, and you slept in it.


12) Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if a) You older than dirt; b) You blind; c) You shot a man in Memphis (just to watch him die); d) You can't be satisfied. No, if a) You have all your teeth; b) You were once blind but now can see; c) The man in Memphis lived after you took him to the ER; d) You have a 401K, a trust fund, a personal stockbroker, or e) you are a celebrity at a posh (translation: $5000 a day) rehab in the high desert of Arizona.


13) Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. O.J. Simpson probably can sing the blues, but he shouldn’t. John Lee Hooker could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.


14) If you ask for water and your baby done give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are a) Cheap wine; b) Whiskey or Bourbon; c) Muddy water; d) Nasty black coffee that’s been sitting on a warmer for ten hours. The following are NOT Blues beverages: a) Perrier; b) Chardonnay; c) Snapple; d) Slim Fast e) any ‘hard’ lemonade, f) Shasta, g) Tab, h) anything that ends with ‘cooler’, i) any beverage described with the words ‘gourmet’ or ‘coffee drink’, j) any light beer or diet beverage, and k) Zima.


15) If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. Also see: the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match, while having a cucumber/oatmeal facial, or during a liposuction procedure.


16) Some Blues names for women: a) Sadie; b) Big Mama; c) Bessie; d) Fat River Dumpling; e) Sweet Ass Mary (but only if you have a, uh; never mind...)


17) Some Blues names for men a) Joe; b) Willie; c) Little Willie; d) Big Willie; e) Slim (but NOT Slim Shady)


18) Persons with names like Candy (or “Candi with an ‘i'”), Randy (or “Randi with an ‘i’”), Ricky, Amber, Dennis, Debbie, George W., Heather, Marvin, Tiffany, Ken, Barbie or Chad can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis (just to watch --- oh, you know!)


19) Make your own Blues name Starter Kit: a) Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.); b) First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.); c) Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.); d) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not “Kiwi.”)


20) I don't care how tragic your life may be; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues. Period.