Marriage Definitions

BACHELOR:
1) A guy who has avoided the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

2) A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

3) A man who never makes the same mistake once.

4) A nice guy who has cheated some nice girl out of her alimony.

5) A person who believes in life, liberty, and the happiness of pursuit.

6) The only man who has never told his wife a lie.


BRIDE:
A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.


CAD:
A man who doesn't tell his wife that he's sterile until she's pregnant.


COMPROMISE:
An amiable arrangement between husband and wife whereby they agree to let her have her own way.


DIPLOMAT:
A man who can convince his wife she would look fat in a fur coat.


GENTLEMAN:
1) A husband who steadies the stepladder so that his wife will not fall while she paints the ceiling.

2) A man who, when his wife drops her knitting, kicks it over to her so that she can easily pick it up.


HOUSEWORK:
What the wife does that nobody notices until she doesn't do it.


HUSBAND:
1) A man who gives up privileges he never realized he had.

2) A person who is the boss of his house and has his wife's permission to say so.


JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNT:
A handy little device which permits the wife to beat the husband to the draw.


LOVE:
An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.


MISS:
A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market.


MISTRESS:
Something between a mister and a mattress.


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.


MRS.:
A job title involving heavy duties, light earnings, and no recognition.


SPOUSE:
Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.


WIFE:
A mate who is forever complaining about not having anything to wear at the very same time that she complains about not having enough room in the closet.