Puns

The Tilde

As has been pointed out, that "~" thing is called a ,tilde. Walt Whitman was one of the most avid advocates of it's usage, and until his death he devoted untold hours making others aware of it's potential. So today, as I use that little button on the upper left of my keyboard, I often feel like ... Walt's in my tilde.

Indecision

The confused young man couldn't decide whether to marry Kathryn or Edith. Try as he might, he just could not make up his mind. Unwilling to give up either, he strung them along for far too long. This indecision continued until both young women got tired of the situation and left him for good. Moral of the story: ... You can't have your Kate and Edith, too. (By Bennett Cerf)

The Lawyer

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name. One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, ... "That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls."

Evil Genealogy

And, I can always go for a little idle worship. In fact, one of my favorite grade school Show & Tell projects involved me kidnapping my sister's vast Barbie doll collection, dressing them as various pagan goddesses, and hanging them on the elm out front. Instead of the usual Trinity, this work showed the entire family history of The Maiden, The Mother, and The Crone. Clearly, ... it was a dolly-tree.

Quasimodo

As Quasimodo was taking off for the Bell Ringers, Olympics, he tried to cram the great bell of Notre Dame into the overhead compartment. ,I,m sorry, said the flight attendant, ... ,That,s only for carillon luggage.

New Coin

A spokesperson for the U.S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots. On one side of the coin would be Theodore Roosevelt, on the other, Nathan Hale. Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the official replied, ... "Now, when you have a coin toss, you can simply call "Teds, or Hales!"

Moonlighting

Two contestants on a TV game show were in the final round. Mr. Cohn was way ahead of Mr. Schine, but just as the buzzer was rung, Schine slipped ahead, and won! When asked what prize he wanted, Mr. Schine stated that he wanted a horse. The game show host asked why, and was told, "I want a horse so I can name it 'Harvest Moon.'" Then, I can have a portrait painted, and call it ... "Schine on Harvest Moon."

The Wedding Gift

A female snake charmer was wooed by an undertaker and accepted his offer of marriage. They received many gifts at the wedding but their favorite was a set of towels embroidered with the words ... ,hiss and hearse

The Coal Miner

A news item this morning was about a local coal miner. It seems that his avocation was painting, but since he couldn't afford to buy canvasses he simply painted on the wall of his small cottage. Unfortunately, a gang of youths broke into his cottage earlier this week and defaced his paintings. Yesterday the young miscreants were charged in court with having ... "corrupted the murals of a miner."