Favorite Humorous Quotes

"Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lightning storm and recieved a serious electrical shock. This proved that lightning was powered by the same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as 'A penny saved is a penny earned.' Eventually he had to be given a job running the post office."
-- Dave Barry


"In every dispute between parent and child, both cannot be right, but they may be, and usually are, both wrong. It is this situation which gives family life its peculiar hysterical charm."
-- Isaac Rosenfeld


"Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves."
-- Homer Simpson


"I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night."
-- Marie Corelli


"Why does everyone think that I am a cruel and insensitive man? I mean, come on, I have kids... on my desk in little jars!"
-- Stephen King


"Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them."
-- Lily Tomlin