Newspaper Headlines in the Year 2035

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. . White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.... Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6million.

Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon)

Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 15,000 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.