Humor
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Injun Trouble

Back in the old Wild West, (probably someplace around Tombstone) there were two blond cowpokes, Jeff and Dave, who were a few apples shy of a bushel.

One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the *&$^@#)! burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blonds looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two dimwits made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy." Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars nearly in my hand." But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . . we're going to be millionaires!"

New business terms #1

Dilberted
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To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Link Rot
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The process by which links on a web page became as obsolete as the sites they're connected to change location or die.

Object Value
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In industrial design, a measure of consumers' immediate desire for an object, even before they know or understand what it does. "Gassee may be nuts, but at least the BeBox has great object value."

Chip Jewelry
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A euphamism for old computers destined to be scrapped or turned into decorative ornaments. "I paid three grand for that Mac SE, and now it's nothing but chip jewelry."

Crapplet
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A badly written or profoundly useless Java applet. "I just wasted 30 minutes downloading this stinkin' crapplet!"

Plug-and-Play
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A new hire who doesn't need any training. "The new guy, John, is great. He's totally plug-and-play."

World Wide Wait
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The real meaning of WWW.

CGI Joe
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A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills and charisma of a plastic action figure.

Submitted by: Richard S.

Bride and Groom

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, "Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up - you look so excited."

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."

Now - the bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what's up, you look so excited."

The bride replies "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life."

Flying Manners

Everyone should be required to review this document and sign a statement agreeing to be ejected from the airplane at 30000 feet if they do not comply prior to flying, especially the bad ones (and you know who you are).

1. Learn some elementary physics: That bag will NOT fit into the overhead compartment.

2. Try to be smarter about seating: If you have poor bladder control, perhaps a window seat isn't a good choice for you.

3. Stewardesses do not have ESP; learn the proper use of the CALL button.

4. Newspapers: wide; seats: narrow. Don't open your newspaper right into my field of view unless you're willing to let me finish reading that column.

5. If you insist on reading my computer screen, I insist on typing disparaging comments about you.

6. Children travel best in one of two forms: (1)
muzzled and heavily sedated; (2) checked baggage.

7. No one cares how much of a frequent flyer you are, unless you're in First Class; shut up, sit down, and buckle in like everyone else.

8. And if you *are* in First Class, cut the smug routine; we all know you got there on an upgrade.

9. If the seat in front of you is occupied, learn how to operate a tray table. Specifically, it is not necessary to vibrate the occupant's fillings loose when you open the table, nor is it necessary to knock out his contacts when stowing the table.

10. Your butt is bigger than you think.....watch where you point it.

11. I don't care how they do things in your home state or country, but here in the civilized world, we try to bathe at least once within the week prior to air travel. This helps prevent accidental deployment of the air bags during flight.

12. If you still decide to *not* bathe prior to air travel, at least try to leave SOME of that cheap perfume in the bottle, okay?

13. Your briefcase goes under the seat in *front* of you, not the seat directly *beneath* you. MY LEGS go under the seat beneath you. If you INSIST on providing comfortable leg room for yourself by sliding your briefcase into the space where my feet were resting, expect to retrieve said briefcase with a NEW lock combination. And yes, it will be locked, so be sure to keep the boarding pass for your connecting flight on *you*, and not in your briefcase.

14. Flying is like camping: Whether in your bags, in your stomach or on your person, you should leave with the same amount of stuff you started with.

Please engage brain before speaking:

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."

-- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".