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Oral Sex 2
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it - a regular Sodom and Gomorrah. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it.
Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions."
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity." Replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally signed by me to each one of these good people."
Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
No? You didn't get one either, huh?
Submitted by: Carlos M.
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Getting Older
Now that I'm older, here is what I've discovered:
I started out with nothing,: I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded....
All reports are in. Life is now, officially, unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older, than it is to get wiser.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few...
Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
It's hard to make a comeback, when you haven't been anywhere.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Submitted by: Dana T.
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Italian Border
Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them:
"It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it'z illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Qvattro is just ze name of ze automobile", the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze papers: zis car is designt to kerry 5 persons."
"You can'ta pulla thata one on me!", replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro meansa four. You hava fivea people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over, I vant to speak to somevone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry", responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come. He'sa busy wiv a 2 guys ina Fiat Uno."
Submitted by: Pietro B.
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Headstone
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes.
'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them in the exact order: 1, then 2, then 3 and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'."
"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.
"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably."
"The second envelope was almost twice the size of the first envelope and contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."
"And envelope number 3?" asked her friends.
"The third envelope was a lot bigger and it contained $25,000 cash with a note, 'Please use this to buy a 'nice stone'."
Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said, "So, do you like my 'nice stone'?" showing off her ten carat diamond ring.
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Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
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