AP Wire -- Raleigh , NC , 02/22/13
Jeff Gordon announced today that in preparation for the Daytona 500, he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's stimulus scheme for employing under privileged Chicago teenagers. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how street gangs from Chicago were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars' worth of high tech equipment. It was thought to be politically correct and a bold move by Gordon's management team, as most races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had repainted it, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon's wife in the shower.